So, it's been a while since my last entry. Well, truthfully I don't blog much because I deal with things in my head through passive thinking. In all honesty, I only blog when I feel that what is affecting me is too great a problem for me to solve myself. Actually, I think I can surpass these feelings as I do with all issues, but at this moment, it seems impossible and I fear even thinking too far into it. I believe I may have discovered another one of my greatest fears and I think this may be more powerful than the last one.

My previous greatest fear was the fear of losing my knowledge. Obviously, I praise knowledge and imagining losing it is an incredible feeling of deprivation. I know this because I once had a spoonful's taste more than I should have. It was many years ago, but I woke up one morning to my father calling out that it was time to go to school. I don't know if it trailed off the previous dream or was the result of a glitch in thought, but I forgot everything as I awoke. I did not know who I was, where I was at the time, nor who the man was who repeated to me to get ready for school. I had forgotten what school was and he simply left to continue getting dressed. At that moment, I sat on the side of my bed with my head in my hands attempting to grasp my fingers around something, anything to use as an anchor for the situation I was in. Fortunately, everything came flooding back to me after mere minutes. However, that short time seemed so much longer at the time. I recalled my feelings and thoughts and had arrived at the conclusion that I never wanted to feel that way ever again. I was afraid of it and it scared me to think of losing my knowledge again. It had only occurred once and not since, however I didn't believe anything could be worse until recently.

It wasn't too long ago that I became very sick. I had a stomach virus that made three and a half days a living hell that ultimately made me fear death and caused me to desire nothing more than simply being normal. I try these days to appreciate my status as a normal functioning human, however I was given a revelation about myself. It made me miss my home and my family, the friends I had and still have. I feared leaving them upon contemplating thoughts of what seemed like the end of my life, however they were not as powerful as the thoughts I have been thinking about more recently of others leaving me more so than myself leaving others. If there is one thing I stand for in my life, it is those I love and care for, those who I am and will be friends for until the day I die (may it not come too soon). I cannot express valid words to use for the companionship I have for people, whether it be my inability to find the words or the inability of the English language to provide me with them.

When someone is my friend and I deem them so, I would ultimately go to incredibly great lengths for any and every one of them. I have gotten into fights with friends and a brother recently and I admit feeling painful and angry feelings where I would even wish them to leave and never to bother me again. I have not yet wished pain upon any of them and I never would, but some people don't see their friends as valuable as I do. Some people will say incredibly hurtful things that I cannot justify with logic why they would even do so. I cannot comprehend their poor actions and why they cannot replace them with feelings of understanding and sympathy.

It will be very soon that I will not see my older brother for a year as he is going overseas. He is headstrong, his confidence makes me envious, and the separation we experienced while he headed off for college three years before me caused me to miss him very much. However, his personality leaves no room for tolerating me or my interests. He can say very hurtful things, especially when drunk (which I used to fall back on denial that the vodka was the excuse for his words), however he has proven that he would say the very same things while sober. I don't believe he hates me, I know he doesn't wish me harm, but he is incapable of seeing the potential he wields and the impact of his words. I await his departure with great anticipation because his presence has proven to be such a burden at times. He sees it as his business to discuss with my parents what I should do over the summer. Honestly, I just want to go home. Being sick has shown me how much I desire that. I don't believe I have an "afraid-to-leave-the-nest" complex and I prove that is not true because I currently spent three quarters of this year two hours from home, minus breaks. However, my brother most likely sees this as wrong. Due to my paranoia, I believe he's trying to convince my parents to not let me go home and to force me into more independence than I already have. I ultimately fear this and I don't believe it to aid me in any way.

There are some people who cannot let go of their home, those that cannot wait to get away from it, and those that desire to still keep it a part of them without the dependency. It is quite common these days that children will live by themselves when they grow up, but still live within reasonable length from their parents so they could see them any time they desired. I want this style. Not forever because I know time will rip my parents from me and I fear that above all else, however I want to spend the time I can afford with them while I still can. I believe that is because I know that I will not have that extravagance in the future and I want to prolong it. My brother believes that sharply tearing me from my parents will benefit me in the long run, or so my paranoia would have me believe, but I am not ready for that and I don't think I ever have to be. Leaving one's parents forever is not a trial that all children must undertake, nor should it be forced upon them. Society and life make it clear that indecency is inevitable, however independence and leaving one's parents are not the same thing as many would have people believe. I still want to live at home with my parents and younger brother over the summer and I see little point in staying away from them. I will prove nothing by doing so and I can do anything there that I can here. My brother wants me to get a summer job at our university, however I don't really have a desire to clean absent classrooms. I plan to get a summer job in my home town where there isn't a slew of broke college kids writing up every application they can get their hands on. The pro of having a summer job here that I can prolong it into next year can be damned. I would gladly pay any reasonable amount of money if I could just go home for the summer and going home is what I will ultimately do. I will look into summer jobs when I get there and in the future years, I will try internships. However, for now, while I can, I just want to do it all from home because I need the recharge from staying away for so long. I'm at least entitled to that and I don't blame myself for loving my family enough to spend time with them. It is not and will never be a bad thing.

The song in my "Listening to:" section did not help at all. I enjoy the beat and tune, but because I am undergoing these depressive thoughts while listening to it, I am unfortunately conditioning it so that whenever I hear it, it causes me to remember those thoughts and brings a bit of a heart ache and fear that I might lose those I care about. However, I believe the lyrics are incredible and draw inspiration from them.

I hope that I and everyone I love and care about will have the ability to live without care and with appreciation that everything will be alright, even if only temporarily.